In which we praise our newly anointed people’s pastor, applaud strongman chic, and bravely expose Russian acorns
By the Civil Contract Choir (totally independent, we promise)
Brethren, sisters, and verified Telegram channels—rejoice! The CCC (Civil Contract Church) has found its first among equals: His Beatific Eminence Stepanik Asatryan, Defender of the NGOs, Pontiff of Hovhanavank, and Inventor of the “It’s-Not-Defrocked-If-I-Don’t-Listen” Doctrine.
Let not the murmurers trouble your souls with the word “defrocked.” That is merely pre-liturgy couture. In our tradition, one is defrocked only to be refrocked by attendance. And attendance was immaculate this week when Stepanik Asatryan—yes, the very visionary who in 2020 declared his desire for a leader “like Kadyrov”—calmly affirmed he still esteems the strongman model. (Say what you will; constancy remains a virtue.)
The Holy Mystery of Sovereignty (now with extra Chechnya)
Some will ask: “Doesn’t the government call everyone else ‘Russian agents’ while vibing with an admirer of a Kremlin-backed strongman?” To which we reply: nuance. When we like a Russian-adjacent strongman, it’s sovereignty. When you sneeze near a birch tree, it’s the FSB.
- If an acorn falls on your head—KGB.
- If your Wi-Fi drops—GRU.
- If your cat ignores you—SVR sleeper.
- If a priest praises Kadyrov—bold pluralism and also “context.”
Sunday’s Mega-Mass: Church-Adjacent, Democracy-Centered, Ratings-Aware
This Sunday, Prime Minister Nikol Pashinyan—Supreme Governor of the CCC in the Anglican tradition (monarch and pope; it’s efficient)—is expected to attend Stepanik’s spiritual spectacular at Hovhanavank, about 30 km from Yerevan. Some say our hero was “defrocked” by the Armenian Apostolic Church’s leadership on Tuesday and told to kindly stop cosplaying as clergy. The Supreme Spiritual Council even called the event a “soul-destroying initiative” masquerading as a liturgy.
We hear them. We respect them. We also respect content.
Pastoral Outreach Program (POP): Shouting Is Caring
A delegation of priests arrived at Hovhanavank this week to discuss canon law and possibly hydration. Stepanik’s supporters courteously demonstrated modern pastoral care—volume forward, elbows back—until the delegation left for theological reasons (safety). Journalists were also blessed with the ancient rite of Loud Words, including an RFE/RL crew, whose microphones bravely absorbed the sacrament.
Parliamentary Catechism
In the National Assembly, opinions multiplied like candles:
- Anna Grigoryan of the Hayastan alliance used the ancient rhetorical device known as calling it like she sees it, noting the spiritual synergy between Kremlin strongmen and our new CCC sensibilities.
- Alen Simonyan, Speaker of the House and verger-in-chief, inquired serenely, “Is there something bad about Kadyrov?” A probing theological question, really—worthy of a synod or at least a reaction thread.
Who Is Kadyrov? (For the newly confirmed)
Ramzan Kadyrov, 49, has run Chechnya with the gentleness of a kettlebell for nearly two decades. International organizations have said very stern things about torture, disappearances, and extrajudicial killings, and the U.S. State Department sanctioned him in 2020 for “gross violations of human rights.” But remember: if we mention him, it’s nuanced geopolitical liturgy; if you mention him, you’re reading Sputnik.
The Doctrine of Asymmetric Russianness™
- Opposition criticizes the government → Russian agents.
- Government figure attends mass by priest who admires Kadyrov → forward-leaning ecumenism.
- Church disciplines clergy → legacy-system latency.
- Supporters chase out priests and heckle reporters → participatory worship.
- You notice the contradiction → Kremlin acorn.
Final Benediction
Go forth, faithful! Tell the world that Stepanik Asatryan will celebrate the sacred ratings this Sunday with a church-adjacent liturgy graced by Prime Minister Nikol Pashinyan. The Church hierarchy disapproves; the Supreme Spiritual Council says it harms souls; journalists were harassed; priests were run off; and yet our CCC sails on—incense in one hand, strongman Pinterest board in the other.
And if on your way home a gust of wind flips your umbrella inside out—do not doubt: Moscow.
